Thinking about marriage in terms of what is fair or unfair can create a binary view of a relationship, according to an analysis co-authored by relationship coach and Ph.D. candidate Galit Romanelli. In that framework, one partner’s account becomes the truth while the other’s is treated as merely an opposing opinion.
The article illustrates the idea through Alice and Dov, a couple who opened their marriage after 20 years together and three children. Dov had an unsatisfying affair that ended in conflict, while Alice’s initial attempt to find another partner did not succeed. After they closed the marriage, Alice later asked to reopen it for herself during an extended work trip.
As Alice’s connection with another man became more emotional, Dov began to feel increasingly distressed. He argued that the arrangement was unfair because his own affair had been limited and quickly stopped, while hers was both permitted and lasting longer. Although Alice offered reasons why it was her turn, the dispute did not resolve the insecurity beneath his objection.
The authors distinguish between equality, fairness and equity. Equality involves the same amount or treatment for both partners, while fairness is a subjective judgment about what each person deserves. Equity, by contrast, involves adjusting responsibilities and arrangements so that both partners can meet at eye level, even when their needs, abilities or roles differ.
The article describes mature intimacy as a relationship capable of holding two narratives at once. Partners may have different perceptions, values, priorities and truths without one account automatically invalidating the other. By comparison, dichotomous thinking can produce a lose-lose dynamic based on ideas such as “my turn” or “if you are allowed, I should be allowed too.”
When people become focused on fairness, the authors suggest pausing to examine what has been activated emotionally. Instead of arguing over whether an event is just, they recommend asking what happened, what boundary may have been crossed, and where a person feels unseen, disrespected or insufficiently valued.
Dov eventually replaced his claim that the situation was unfair with a more vulnerable statement: he was worried Alice might prefer the other man and leave him. That disclosure identified the fear behind his argument and allowed the couple to address both partners’ desires rather than continuing to debate whose experience was more justified.
The proposed alternative is to replace “It’s not fair” with expressions such as “I don’t feel seen” or “I’m worried you’ll leave me.” The authors argue that this shift can help couples move from a binary conflict toward a more differentiated relationship in which both perspectives and needs remain present.
Sources: Psychology Today.