Conversations that appear frivolous or superficial can contain significant unconscious messages, according to a therapeutic account examining how people discuss shopping, clothes, hair and makeup. Rather than dismissing these subjects as meaningless, the account argues that they can reveal how people understand their relationships with others.
The article describes an 18-year-old therapy client, identified as Polly, who frequently discussed her latest clothes purchases and complimented the therapist’s appearance. Polly was polite, agreeable and concerned with being likeable. She also had a history of trauma and was highly observant of how other people behaved toward her.
In retrospect, the therapist interpreted Polly’s compliments as more than simple observations about clothing or hairstyle. By noticing the effort the therapist made before appointments, Polly may have been acknowledging that she felt cared for and considered important. Her comments were understood as a possible expression of gratitude about the relationship between them.
This interpretation was informed by stories Polly told about other relationships. Her mother once arrived for coffee in casual clothing but carried a different outfit to change into before meeting friends, suggesting to Polly that she was not worth making the same effort for. Polly also described a tutor who considered a new jacket too good to wear at college and a boyfriend who dressed up for friends but not for their dates.
For Polly, appearance was both a form of self-expression and one of the areas of life she could control. The way people dressed when meeting her therefore carried emotional significance. In that context, her attention to the therapist’s appearance could communicate what she believed the effort represented: care for her and for their shared relationship.
The experience led the therapist to become more attentive to compliments and to the subtle verbal and nonverbal signals exchanged during therapy. Even when the stated subject is clothes, shopping or other apparently superficial matters, the conversation may also be addressing respect, emotional investment and the meaning of the relationship itself.
The people described in the account, including Polly and her family members, are fictitious composites.
Sources: Psychology Today.