People who want to stop overextending themselves often find that guilt gets in the way. They may know they need to set boundaries, stop answering every call or spend more time caring for themselves, yet still feel that refusing makes them selfish, lazy or a bad friend, parent or family member.
The difficulty is that feelings cannot simply be switched off. Guilt, like anxiety, sadness or anger, can serve a purpose. In its more constructive form, it is a prosocial emotion that can motivate people to repair relationships after doing something wrong and support cooperation. But guilt can become excessive when it prevents people from meeting their own needs.
One pattern described in the source is “omnipotent responsibility guilt,” in which a person feels responsible for other people’s emotions and wellbeing. This may be connected to early relationships in which a child experienced a caregiver as unpredictable or emotionally overwhelmed. Because children depend on caregivers for safety, they may learn to monitor and manage the adult’s feelings, believing that the adult’s unhappiness is their fault.
That belief can continue into adulthood. Looking after others may become closely tied to a person’s identity, while prioritising themselves can trigger a sense of danger, panic or dread. In this context, guilt may feel safer than accepting that other people’s reactions are outside their control. Taking the blame preserves the belief that problems can be fixed.
For this reason, directly challenging guilt may not be enough. A person can have clear evidence that they are not selfish or uncaring and still feel intense discomfort when they change established patterns. The emotional response may reflect an older sense of relational danger rather than the facts of the current situation.
Addressing these feelings can therefore require patience and professional help. Rather than trying to abandon guilt immediately, therapy can help people understand where it comes from and notice the anxiety that arises when they set limits. Small steps, such as saying no to a manageable request, can provide new experiences and gradually update long-standing expectations about relationships.
Changing behaviour may also change relationships. Guilt can keep people stuck, but it can simultaneously help maintain existing connections. When someone begins to set boundaries, others may not respond as hoped, making it important to consider which changes feel possible and when to make them.
The goal is not necessarily to eliminate guilt, but to understand its function and prevent it from defining a person’s identity. Setting boundaries can be appropriate even when it feels difficult, and approaching the process with self-compassion and support may make it more manageable.
Sources: Psychology Today.