Holiday gatherings can stir painful memories for adults who grew up in emotionally abusive families. The article’s central message is that adulthood brings more choice: people can set limits, decide where to stay and leave a gathering if they feel overwhelmed or attacked.
Practical steps include getting enough sleep before a visit and using calming activities such as walking, listening to music or writing down feelings. Staying in a hotel may offer distance from a childhood home that brings back traumatic memories, as well as somewhere to retreat if needed.
The guidance also recommends noticing personal patterns that may fuel family conflict, such as competing with siblings for parents’ attention. Writing an unsent letter about anger toward a relative may help release feelings before a gathering. A list of potential triggers can also help someone recognize when a current situation is bringing up past hurt and use grounding techniques, such as taking deep breaths or focusing on objects in the room.
When a relative who previously abused someone continues to bully or mistreat them, the article advises considering whether contact is safe. People can skip gatherings where that relative will be present or prepare to speak up. If a family member’s alcohol or drug use is associated with arguments, avoiding substances around them may help reduce conflict.
Clear boundaries can cover how relatives treat both adults and their children. If a relative crosses those limits, the advice is to protect the children and leave without needing to create a confrontation. The article also cautions against expecting a relative with a mental health condition to change without extensive therapy, and suggests preparing for difficult behavior and stepping away when necessary.
If following these suggestions feels difficult, the article encourages self-compassion rather than self-criticism. It stresses that people are not obligated to spend the holidays with family at the expense of their own safety or their children’s.
Sources: Psychology Today.