A child clinical psychologist says becoming a father gave him a firsthand understanding of emotional connection that his decades of training and research could not provide.
In an essay, the author recounts that his daughter, Elli, was born on Father’s Day in 2023, when he was 58. He describes the timing as meaningful and says it prompted him to rethink a life shaped by academic ambition, addiction and marital difficulties. He decided to leave his career and focus on becoming a committed father.
The author had long studied the effects of father absence and children’s emotional development. He cites research linking growing up without a father to difficulties that can include aggression, delinquent behavior, self-harm, early substance use and depression. He also notes that secure attachments with both parents are important to healthy emotional development.
Yet, he writes, knowing this evidence intellectually did not prepare him for the feelings of fatherhood. He describes a recent bedtime moment when he and his three-year-old daughter gazed at each other in silence for several seconds. The experience brought him a sense of affection, gratitude and connection that he found difficult to put into words.
The essay argues that firsthand experience can illuminate human connection in ways that objective measurement may not capture. The author reflects on Mitákuye Oyás’iŋ, a Lakota phrase associated with interconnectedness, saying he had read about the concept but only felt he understood it after Elli’s birth.
He does not reject Science, but argues that psychological research must account for context, culture and subjective experience. Unlike questions that can be settled through precise measurement, human needs and motivations vary, he writes, and psychological theories do not always apply uniformly. He calls for greater recognition of lived experience in efforts to understand personal and social problems.
Sources: Psychology Today.